The Marriage Bed Part 3

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled, for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

In Part 1, we discussed the goodness of the marriage bed. In part 2, we explained that the marriage bed can be defiled from both outside of the marriage and from within. We then talked about how the marriage bed is defiled from without.

Now lets look at how the marriage bed is defiled from within the marriage and what husbands and wives may do to honor it.

The ways of dishonoring marriage are endless as are the ways of defiling the marriage bed. But here are six stains in particular that must be guarded against.

1. Adultery- Of course this is the most obvious, having been stated in the verse above. But again just because it is obvious does not mean that you won't try like a lawyer to come up with a bunch of escape clauses in the fine print. Jesus said to look at a woman with lust in your heart is to commit adultery. Now this does not mean that the two are one and the same thing but rather that when the Bible forbids adultery it forbids everything leading up to it.

Therefore abstaining from adultery, doesn't just mean abstaining from sex with someone who isn't your spouse. It means saying no pornography in all its forms whether its just a PG13 movie with brief nudity or romance novels that are designed to make you despise your husband and long for a different man. It means practicing discretion so that you are not flirting with others at work. It means protecting not only your body from sin but your mind and your emotions. Wives do not give your heart to other men by constantly comparing them to others.

2. Lies-Nothing will ruin trust and harm the marriage bed like lies. Adultery itself starts with little lies to cover up your lusts. If a marriage is to succeed one is to be honest. This doesn't mean having to make a big deal about every time you are out in public and an immodestly dressed woman walks in front of you. You shouldn't burden your spouse with every temptation but you also must be on guard of your temptation to live in secrecy.

Secondly, you must not enter marriage with lies. In God's law if a woman lied about her virginity and caused a man to enter a marriage covenant with her thinking she was a virgin, this not only annulled the marriage, it put her in danger of the death penalty. Before you ever enter marriage, you need to be honest about who you are and your sins. This goes for men too. Don't hide that you are addicted to porn and then lead a woman to marry you.

3. Withholding- You can defile a marriage bed without sex just as much as with the wrong use of it. Your body is not your own. You are not permitted by God to withhold sex from your spouse, especially as a means of punishment for when they have offended you or just because you don't want to get pregnant. One design for marriage is to help prevent the sin of lust. When you withhold from your spouse, you withhold from them a God-ordained means to fight sin. Husbands and wives have a duty to be pleasing to each other.

4. Coldness in the relationship- Bitterness, hard-heartedness, resentment, and distance all make a mockery of what marriage is designed to represent. Christ does not resent His Church. He is not distant from his bride. He is not bitter towards her. He is kind. He is tender. He is loving. The True church too is not bitter, resentful, or distance from Christ.

5. Failure to maintain godly attitudes of authority and submission- God designed the marriage to showcase the gospel. Just as Christ is head of the Church and the Church obeys Him. The Man is the head of his wife and she obeys him. A man who doesn't lead defiles the marriage. A wife who doesn't submit defiles the marriage and paints a picture of the gospel that is false.

6. Fruitlessness- As was said in part 1, the marriage bed has joy and pleasure that lasts beyond just the act of sexual intercourse. This is in part because God designed that act to produce fruit.

The joy of sex produces the joy of children, grandchildren, and many generations. God has united sex to fruitfulness. Let no man or woman put asunder what God has put together. Don't defile the marriage bed by attempting to purposely remove fruitfulness from it.

This is just a partial list of ways that the marriage bed can be defiled and marriage held in dishonor. It is not enough, though, to simply not dishonor the marriage. Therefore, how can a married couple honor the marriage bed.

1. Be the kind of person your spouse will want to sleep with. Don't just be the man she has to have sex with but be the man she gets to have sex with. The same goes for the wife. Take care of yourself. Don't be a slob. Do you only put on makeup and fix yourself up when you are going to be around other people? Does your husband come home to an unkept wife all the time. Sure there are days where you are busy and stressed. But wives you are to respect and love your husbands. If you are ashamed to show him your body but aren't afraid to show it off to others out in public, there is something wrong and you have it backwards.

The same goes for men. Do you come home from work and just become a slob? Do you ever fix yourself up for your wife. Do you lead in manly ways? Or are you just another child she has to take care of.

2. Date your spouse- Flirt with your wife. Make time as you can to go out on dates with your wife. Write her love notes. Pinch her butt when you walk through the kitchen and her tell you think she's pretty. Buy her flowers. As much as you can work to keep your relationship a top priority in the home.

3. Protect the bed- I know some will read what I am about to say and be done with it but hear me out. Husbands keep the children out of your bed. Make the bedroom off limits to children. Now I know this is hard, especially with the modern co-sleeping fad. But you need to protect the space where you and your wife can sleep together. Now obviously there are exceptions and times when children are really young that this may not apply. But as soon as you able, get the children out of the bed and into a different room. There should be no 1 or 2 year-olds in your bed every night. The children must know that mommy and daddy's relationship comes first and that they are required to sleep in their own room. Dads, you have to be a stickler on this because your wife won't be.

Furthermore, as much as you are able, attempt to make your work schedule fit so that you can sleep together. If you have to work nights, try to find some moment just to spend with your wife during the time when you are home where you can hold each other and be alone.

Lastly, keep the bedroom clean and a place that is conducive to intimacy. Nothing remotely attractive about trash in the bed and dirty stinky clothes lying all over the place.

4. Give of yourself- God made you to give of yourself. The man gives of himself just as Christ gave himself. The wife gives of herself in the way that the Church gives itself to Christ. Work at fighting off selfishness. The world wants you to be constantly concerned with self-care. It's all about you. And yes you must take time to fill yourself from the word of God and of his grace, but you were designed to be a giver.

Women in particular are designed to give life. And the only way to give life is to give of your life. This is what childbirth is. It is giving your life for another. This is also what marriage is. Adam gave his rib. And the two became one flesh.

5. Wash with the word: Lastly, all of us have defiled the marriage bed in many ways, whether before marriage or during it. We all bring sin into any relationship we are involved with. We are sinners. We are not pure. While the hope and the goal is to get married as chaste virgins even chaste virgins bring sin into marriage. Therefore to have a truly undefiled bed requires the washing of the water with the word. Ephesians 5 says this about Jesus:

"Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless."- Ephesians 5:25-27

Notice that Christ has to make his bride pure. He has to make her clean. She wasn't clean to begin with and she still waits the final day to be presented holy and blameless. She will be undefiled.

Husband, like Christ you cleanse your wife by the washing of water with the word.

That is you bring her and yourself to Christ. You use the water and the word. You use the ordinary means of grace, bringing the family to the church where you and they receive the sacraments from God's ordained ministers and hear the preaching of the word.

You must speak the gospel often to each other.

Just as the sheets of the bed require cleaning, your marriage requires the daily cleansing that only the triune God can give.

Only Christ can keep your marriage bed undefiled.

Make your marriage bed a confessional and an altar where sin is confessed and forgiven.

Then you will hold marriage in true honor.